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Posted: 25 Nov 2010 01:15 AM PST
There is so much discussion of the notion of self-esteem that I think it warrants more discussion; we need to find out what it is, actually. So first of all, is there such a thing? No. Why not? Because it is not a feeling. It is an idea, one that friends or therapists can use to bolster it or diminish it. So what is it? It is a sense that I am accepted, loved, approved of, wanted, desired, and believed important.
Normal, loved individuals never think about it. They just have it and act accordingly. Those who need to think about don’t have it. And so when others tell you what you need to hear, you are important, valued and approved of, it temporarily lifts the esteem a bit. This is an artificial lift. It dampens the real feelings, feelings that were installed from womb-life onward.
So why do we feel we have low esteem, something that needs to be bolstered? When we are born we begin to follow orders. Parents tell us what to eat and when to eat. Where to sit (and not fidgit or move around). When to go out and when not to. We are not told, “What would you like for dinner?” What time do you want to eat?’ Ad infinitum. Bit by bit it sinks in; “I am not important and no one cares what I think or feel.” Especially at the dinner table where the “important” people talk and we listen; no one elicits our opinion about the color of the walls, the kind of chairs we sit on and when we are allowed to have guests in. This is how esteem is created, not necessarily by a parent saying you are important, but rather by being treated from infancy onward as someone who is important. Parents who value you are governed by their feelings; parents who do not value you also are governed by their feelings, which quickly become the soundtrack of your life.
This can all be compounded by parents who do tell you that you are stupid and incapable. Or they keep you from handling important tools. Or they don’t take the time to explain things. What does that do? It means that you are not important enough to be worth anyone’s time. An impatient parent who is tense and anxious makes you feel unimportant. You have to speak right away and wait for the answer, which may not come. You have the feeling that you cannot take up too much of their valuable time. It creates the subtext, “I am not important”.
Right after birth when the newborn is left alone and not hugged and cuddled right away, the groundwork for low self esteem is created. If thereafter you have to struggle to get them to pay attention, you are building feelings of inferiority. It is those wee events throughout our early lives that construct permanent feelings of being unimportant. If parents wait for you to hug them, instead of them rushing to embrace you, another neurotic block is there to reinforce your low esteem. It is not a thought-out process. When parents are aloof and heavily repressed as individuals, and cannot respond to the child with feelings, with alacrity and passion, there will be another compounded feeling in a child who now feels worthless and not worth anyone’s time or anyone’s love—worth less.
Alright, we now go to get our esteem lifted. Can we do that? No. Our therapist thinks we are wonderful and praises us; that will last for a short time but the real feeling rushes back in. And that feeling is the result of a myriad of events, all of which spell “I am not important. I am unloved.” Those feelings set in during the critical period which probably occurs before the age of six. Anything after that is symbolic fulfillment and won’t last. But we can become addicted and need praise more and more because it is symbolic fulfillment, long past its due date. When we are complimented (and someone who feels unimportant can be “bought” for a single compliment), it eases the pain momentarily. It operates like a tranquilizer; softens the blow. “You are such a good person. You are so important to me.” The reason the real feeling is never thought out is because it is a feeling that is the result of thousands of very early experiences. Those experiences coalesce around very few feelings, but those feelings drive so many symbolic act-outs.
The very fact that a child in crib can cry out for his mother for a very long time instills that sense of being unimportant. Remember, “esteem” is a word. You do not necessarily “feel” esteemed. You feel loved and that does it all. Once you feel loved you no longer search for that elusive “esteem.” Those who go on searching will never find it. It is too late. And it is not one thing you are looking for—esteem. You are really looking for someone to help instill a feeling inside you that he cannot do; someone who can undo what happened to you. No therapist can lift your esteem level; only you can do it by feeling those key experiences where little by little you came to feel unloved and unworthy of it. Until then you need praise and more praise cause the real feeling is seeping through.
Conversely, a single criticism can devastate someone who feels unimportant. Why? Because it triggers off the real pain; “I am unworthy and (you) they just proved it. If there is one thing that most of us cannot tolerate it is criticism, even slight criticism. We spend our lives staving them off so we won’t have to face and feel those feelings. And those who feel bad about themselves do whatever they can to avoid criticism. When it does occur the person can manage to immediately rationalize her behavior or displace it onto someone else. “I would have done better if you had not done………” It can never be their fault because behind that accusation is a mountain of pain.
My comments:
Self Esteem
My series of articles in “The history of my epilepsy. An Epileptic Journey. (http://epilepticjourney.blogspot.com/) is a confirmation of your Reflection about the idea of Self Esteem. There is no such feeling.
Already during my birth process (which later turned into epileptic seizures) I got the message that it was more important to follow the bible and bolster my mothers idea/belief than giving me a normal loving and caring birth. It was a tragedy coming as close to killing me as possible.
On top of that my parents later were incapable of showing that I was loved and accepted. During a lifetime, I have struggled to create “self esteem”, and I used many of the tools in the worlds neurotic toolbox to create this time limited idea created by gurus, employers, wives, or whoever I could influence by honest needy efforts. I also used not so honest tricky behaviors to be praised, by those who easily could be bought for a compliment.
It was an ongoing perpetual mobile. Interestingly enough my epilepsy was almost non existing during my periods of high “esteem”. The fits appeared when my “self-esteem-idea” diminished and my doubts about myself appeared and made my idea of being wanted, approved and loved to vanish. The fits appeared and changed my whole chemistry and my vital signs and in order not to suffer for too long I rapidly worked out a radical change plan. To find a new job, or a new wife, or a new country and/or a new language. I became good at the idea of self esteem.
So what do I do now when I know that there exist no self esteem and having felt much of the pain from a horror filled birth and the sadness of not having been loved and approved. First of all, I feel much better, but still I carry reminiscences of my neurotic scares and can tell my daughter stupidities.
This afternoon, in a drastic attempt to push her studies in spanish, I asked her if she had no Spanish pride (=self esteem) to draw upon, which she could not understand.
When we came home, Arts Reflection about Self Esteem had arrived. I read it, gave a copy to Isabel and undid my previous statement about Spanish pride. After a while, Isabel came in after having read the article and said that Arts comments really had hit the nail and that a few of her friends were living under exact these unloving conditions Art is mentioning. “And do you know something?”, she said; “I really like that every time you have said something you regret you come back and tell me and explain why you did it”.
Such a moment is worth my whole Epileptic Journey!!!!
Jan Johnsson
Continued comments on Self Esteem...
ReplyDeleteInteresting to read the different explanations of Self Esteem. I never really reflected about it until now, so I went to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem and found that many great brains and some feeling human beings have thought extensively about it. It is fascinating to read the extensive interpretations that exist and, which needs we have for it. You can see, for example, the American need for Self Esteem and authoritarian leadership after the September 11th-attacks. Eric Fromm (Escape from Freedom), the TMT theory, Abraham Maslow (in his hierarchy of needs) are examples of valuable thoughts around different Self Esteem definitions.
Albert Ellis, the American psychologist, has written a book “The Myth of Self-esteem” in which he in his first sentence asks: “Is self-esteem a sickness?” His answer: “I’d say that it is probably the greatest emotional disturbance known to man and woman: Even greater than hating other people, which seems somewhat worse, but is perhaps a little better.”
When I wrote my spontaneous, intuitive comments regarding Self Esteem, I saw the expression as a label of the kind of “well being” I was looking for in my constant struggle to overcome my feelings of being unloved, not wanted, restless and needy. My struggles to create Self Esteem and well being were successful!!! But only for a time equivalent of how long time my energy to produce painkilling fuel for my hardworking brain lasted. To create new motivation to be able to overproduce and to keep up the idea of self esteem I had to make radical changes of my life every 2nd and 3rd year. It became a life pattern of “Self Esteem maintenance”.
The Self Esteem created by my escape from my pain (both the one caused by a religious belief by my mother (to give birth with pain) and the pain of not being loved and important) was successful in many superficial perspectives only not from my inner real needs. My “Epileptic Journey” has been fascinating but painful and humiliating at the same time. However, finally I have found out that if I’m loved, I don’t need Self Esteem. I am loved. I am! No more no less.
Jan Johnsson
Continued comments on Self Esteem
ReplyDeleteIt took me almost a lifetime to experience the falsifications of the well being which was created by being raised in and having lived in an environment of conditional demands. I felt worthy only when I matched the false conditions that had been laid down for me, during birth and when I didn’t receive the love I needed. My struggle on all levels to produce painkillers via the master gland felt at times heavenly, and I could have written a book about how to overcome feelings of inferiority.
However, time after time I ran out of gas and the conditioned cosmetica of well being vanished, and I had to start all over again, time and time again, etc. Until I decide to go into my epilepsy when I was worn down in my eternal struggle to produce well-being. And then I discovered with the help of the primal principlel and Arts unconditional support that I had been living on a lie so big that is has taken me all the incredible strength, which is innate in our human system to survive. Luckily enough I am a Swede with a backup of all the social security, which has been necessary. Having revealed and felt my humiliating life lies during feelings as close as I could come to horror and death, I could slowly start to feel the spark of really unconditional life.
Even if we are very similar human beings with the same evolutionary CNS, each one of us has our unique experiences of pain, abuse, humiliations and pre birth history. With different cultural, historical and religious backgrounds in unlimited mixtures, I find it logical that the interpretation of well being, self esteem (be it implicit or explicit self esteem), self-worth, self-respect, etc. will reach a number of nuances defined with literary brilliance hard to disprove. However, when it comes to feeling the wordless pain from a terrible birthing we need no verbal sophistry because there were none in the brain. And later there were no limits on our intellectual and neurotic struggle to cover up for the unfelt pain. The sparks of our limitless ideas are working but only for as long as we and our systems can stand the overproduction to achieve the painkilling effects. They take their toll.
J. Johnsson