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I didn’t believe my thoughts of self-esteem and confidence. I knew they were fakes to save my neck. However, the more I got to understand how self-esteem, a sense of importance and “feelings” of confidence / strength work, the more I’m impressed by the role of the neocortex (the 3rd line) as an illusionist and director of our lives. In a way, it has an intelligence of its own and it, easily, deceives most of us in the present cognitive paradigm. Even when we try hard not to be deceived. It is an evolutionary reflex for the human species’s short-term survival.
Without epilepsy, caused by a religiously misled mother, I would never have been able to make my journey through the different brain regions. To live with my epilepsy, although I was chemically “lobotomized” with Tegretol / Carbamazepine, I had to walk a constant tightrope between thoughts and feelings. was forced to develop all sorts of survival neuroses and created a hollow facade of “self-esteem”, “confidence” and “strength”. However, messages bottom up informed me that I was unable to fool myself. I was constantly conscious of my forceful epileptic stigma, which with careless living could explode and erase every ounce of cerebral esteem.
From the beginning, I did not know that my epilepsy was an imprint of repressed pain. I could though feel it, smell it and my thoughts created many lies about it. I was a good actor and I could pretend desperate feelings of “self-esteem”, “importance” and “confidence”. I could never lie to myself about my inner truth. I was a hostage of my birth trauma = pain = imprint = epilepsy.
Please remember an epileptic stigma consists not only of convulsive symptoms. It has a corresponding negative psychological effect through the degrading disgrace it meant (especially in the past) to show epileptic symptoms. Often epileptics were placed together with mentally severely disabled. It took 40 years for my parents to get over the shame of my epilepsy when I, after two years in PT in LA, dramatically broke the silence and began my recovery.
Early repressed feelings live in every cell of our bodies and in my case with the birth trauma which turned into epilepsy they even had influences of systemic and organic nature. Not only did my cortex create ideas / neuroses, prosthesis for my survival, my whole body became rigid, fingers and toes did not develop fully and I lost my sense of smell. The whole of me was in a state of cramp. I developed allergies not only to cognitive therapists and Cipramil, but to a number of food substances in my daily environment. In combination with the Primal Principle, Structural Integration and Rolfing has accomplished miracles with my body, my movements and my physical / mental sanity. I had the good fortune to first be treated in Ida Rolf’s center in Boulder, Col., in 1979 and I have later found a talented Spanish Rolfer. He is also a professional cellist who has a deep understanding of psychotherapy (he is a natural primal therapist!).
Since I passed the critical number of hours re-living repressed pain and dissolving my neuroses, I understand how crucial these neuroses have been for my survival. My lifestyle and my attitudes have changed and since the latent threat, that my imprint / epilepsy previously constituted has been eliminated, there is no pain that produces energy that propelled the former neuroses. I need them no longer, so they have stopped developing their automated stagings. This can sometimes surprise me (eg that I am sincere straight out) and my realization that I cannot manipulate my feelings brought me immense relief, which, certainly, is beneficial for my vital signs, and a consequence that I cannot delude myself meant that nor can I delude others.
Jan Johnsson
