Given enough leadtime. (Article 17 of the history of my epilepsy.)

Given enough lead time

At my return from LA, Cal around the end of 1979/80, it looked as if I would eventually end up somewhere in the Bonnier Group. Since they had invested two years of non-traditional education in me including languages, marketing and therapy training, etc. so it was a natural thing when Bofö 1980 asked me be subject to a personnel test, so they could create an impression of my usability.

It was a comprehensive test of an American consultancy group, which had the following conclusion: "Mr. Johnsson has a Superior intelligence compared with-the-selected group and possesses excellent analytical abilities, he is, however, somewhat hampered by interpersonal anxieties (I had in a conscious emotional manner described Primal Therapy for the consultants), but given enough lead time he will maintain a schedule." The phrase "Given enough lead time" I have often thought about during the 30 years since the test. The more I have understood the role of my neuroses and their background, the more I have appreciated the value of having "enough lead time". The phrase definitely strengthened my subjective well-being.

During the past 20 years, or more, DR Janov on and off has asked me to write about my story, tell about my epilepsy and record a dvd presentation about how my primal experiences cured my epilepsy. Often, it had to be fast and I didn’t like that, although I’m  often regarded as a man of quick decisions. At least during three occasions I accidentally found myself in places and situations where my primal experiences have been documented by television companies and various filmmakers. It may have suited the other party, but every time I have felt dissatisfied. They took a snapshot of an adventure that lasted for a whole long life. I did not think I had enough lead time.

A few years ago DR Janov asked for a new 20-minute video presentation. I would produce it in my home in Genovés with the help of a professional presenter. However, it ended up that I refused. There is no possibility in 20 minutes to explain something that has taken nearly 40 years to decently understand. To produce a presentation is not simply a matter of enough lead time. I want to be satisfied with the production afterwards.

I'm glad I refused because the truth was not so easy as being only a matter of entering a concentrate of the last 40-year experiences in a 20-minute presentation. Over the years, a need for the ideal story of how Primal Therapy healed me completely from epilepsy had emerged and  "No more epilepsy" would sit as a heading on a story. There has been an unspoken need, even in myself to push and slide my experiences in the perfect direction and one of the tricks has been to not tell the whole truth. I have, throughout life, as one of my well tuned neuroses had the often short-term profitable characteristic to suppress unpleasant parts of the truth.

An example of a retouched truth had been that I in recent years took a dose of Lamictal, mainly because I did not have peace, space and at a certain degree strength enough  repeatedly to go through my pain, although this has reduced radically. This I have felt as a self-deception and to some extent, as a failure in my ambition as the "perfect" primal patient. Fake truth was thus an equally strong argument, to waive a 20-minute presentation, as the limited time frame. At my next presentation of my story, the aim is that only the objective truth, as far as I can judge, will be allowed.

The letter I wrote to Janov in March 2009, I concluded with:

“To lie, for example to withhold part of the truth has been a “painkiller” my whole life in a pleasant mix of all sorts of personal neurotic actions. Many, probably more appreciated by others than myself. All to eliminate the mental numbing pain that has been part of my life since I was born. I understood early on that no one around me could help me. However, I thought, and felt that with patience I could finally access the truth and that search and that hunt has taken all my life, and I hate that I cannot get my life back. To tell it in a 20-minute  streamlined DVD presentation won’t be possible..

I now have long periods, with normal, wonderful feelings to just exist. For example; talk to, lecture and support my lovely daughter Isabel. To walk in the hills with my dog Puskas and keep in touch with family, friends and neighbors. Being able to write and express myself and solve problems as they arise.” 

Jan