Spontaneous feelings. A real life authentic Primal story.

53-60 years ago, before I developed epilepsy, and lived in a beautiful park that belonged to an agricultural university, there was a girl, Eva,  who I liked and respected very much. I have earlier written about how she made lasting impacts on my life. The first memory which turned out very positive (giving me a lifelong subjective well being), was how Eva told me, at age 17, that I had a psychological ability. The other memory which turned into a neurosis was caused by my interpretation of a comment from Eva, regarding how I had mismatched the color of my shoes to my dress. Add to that the fact that, before I moved to Denmark, Eva gave me a photo of herself, dedicated to “the love of her teens”, which I have guarded until this day in my Pandoras’s Box. 

A few months ago, through my sister in Sweden, I got contact with Eva and we have since  maintained an extensive correspondence by e-mail. However, after my suggestion to developing our relationship to include calls via Skype, yesterday, we finally got it all together and for the first time in 53 years, there she was, Eva, the girl from my youth. I, made a trip back in time, became 17 years and went on as if we had met last week... Eva was more moved and could not believe how this was now possible... (she spent her life as  an award-winning university lecturer in Physical Chemistry). When we thought we’d talked for 10-15 minutes, so had, in reality 70 minutes gone according to Skype’s timing.

An infinite number of memories, which certainly had not expected to be activated any more time, must, head over heals, leave their hiding places. To slow down after the call, I spent a couple of hours reading “The significance of a revolution in genetics and molecular biology”. Then I went to bed, pleasantly relaxed, and fell asleep quickly. After a couple of hours, I woke up in the middle a dream about having a hallucination / feeling of releasing “locked-in-tensions”. Being awake nothing happened first, but after a short while, I knew that a seizure was on the verge to happen. However, no aura, no confusion just a deep experience telling me that these were the ruins, the remains of a former grand mal seizure.

The muscles around my cranium pulled themselves together, contracted, and to avoid biting my tongue; I pressed my jaws together with both my hands. The cramp developed painfully but nicely around and into my skull, and I stopped breathing. When a few minutes had passed, it was as highly concentrated air wheezed out of my nose, mouth, eyes and ears (followed by a very short and heavy hyperventilation) and then the contracted muscles relaxed. I was left with a convincing sense, which I’ve had before, that I, during the birth process, was exposed to oxygen treatment.

I went quickly out of bed. In the mirror, I could see that I was OK, and I was feeling great.

Jan Johnsson