To make up for 53 years in 2 hours.

A couple of weeks ago I told about how I after 53 years have reestablished the contact with a woman who, when I was a young lad, had made a number of lasting impacts of my life; my way of thinking, my subjective well being and  certain of my neurosis. After our first Skype-meeting (Eva is living in Sweden), I experienced an epileptic seizure / primal feeling when I was conscious and could follow the cramp around, and in my skull ended by hyperventilation and an experience how highly concentrated air wheezed out of my nose, mouth, eyes and ears as if I had been exposed to oxygen treatment.

Eva and I continue to stay in touch via email and Skype. Yesterday, we talked on Skype for a couple of hours and I had a sensation that I want to make up for 53 years here and now. I cannot stop myself from talking. I can see and understand that Eva gets tired of my tremendous urge to compress 53 years into a couple of hours. After we had ended our video conversation I was full of energy and read “Lord Jim” for a couple of hours.

Then I fell asleep and two hours later I woke up and started to hyperventilate and this time my feelings (primals) did not come from my head but from my throat and lungs. It was like my lungs were turned inside out, like an asthma attack, and they pushed off ingrained mucus. It was a painful but liberating process /experience. Simultaneously, with the reactions of my lungs, my body was bent and twisted back and forth and pulled out backwards.

For me, today, to go through these primal feelings is no longer scaring. The primal feeling may be painful, but compared to an epileptic seizure; it is a pleasure.

Jan Johnsson