Epileptic literature. (Article 27 of the history of my epilepsy.)

During hundreds of therapy sessions, usually by myself, I have been able to relive how I get stuck, pushed forward, mm by mm, literally choked, swallowing my tongue, filled with mucus and suffocated. After more than two hours of primal struggle (if the conditions for a primal had not existed it would have taken the shape of a grand mal seizure with convulsions and unconsciousness), I feel how I’m pulled out and the memory allows an unadulterated baby’s cry to escape through the throat, as if it had been hiding a lifetime in my stomach. These feelings and experiences, from before any words and thoughts existed in my brain, are accessible by way of the memory cells which allow the historical process to be relived when conditions are right in that defense mechanisms are disconnected, and the pain threshold can tolerate it. If I compare a birth primal to an earthquake, it is usually followed by an aftershock of painful insights to how a neurotic behavior has been linked to the pattern of the birth trauma in my brain. In many chapters, I try to exemplify how my neurotic, painkilling patterns have influenced my daily life. Brain Research is about to confirm many aspects of my experiences. One day I hope there are resources in a more seamless way to a complete confirmation of the mechanisms and processes of the type of epilepsy that I have.

Descriptions of epilepsy and epileptic automatisms are available in a wide range of contemporary literature on the brain. Experts like Antonio Damasio, Joseph LeDoux and others describe it in an excellent way, and I can well identify with their messages. After many years of searching for knowledge in these sources, however, the descriptions feel like one-dimensional still images. Often progress is achieved through trial and error (when someone, for example, got a shot through the brain and allowing room for ad hoc research to investigate what is damaged or intact) which has led to that the knowledge, where in the brain processes are taking place, has grown. What I miss in the petitions and reports by these prominent neurologists is a more dynamic picture of the processes, chemical as well as emotional, that triggers cramps/seizures/attacks, instead of choosing other brain reactions. This is a complex research that makes a psychodynamic and neurological cooperation and a paradigm shift necessary.

As a layperson in the neurological context, it is difficult to keep up with finding the interesting parts of research and literature. Therefore, my knowledge is limited about the relationship between the different parts of the brain and their evolutionary development and creation. For example, how information from very early traumas goes on to the emotional and thinking brain and conversely, how does that affect communication from a subsequent trauma receptor in the deep reptilian brain where our vital survival reactions are controlled by blood pressure, pulse and body temperature, etc., which are the parts of my brain, which works during a dream sleep or a birth primal.

My feeling, when in contact with neurologists, is that their technical descriptions are given and authoritarian, and somehow, I have, with constricted views, to be kind enough to accept their truths. My great advantage is that I have personal experience of both epilepsy and neurosis and can also download experience from the psychodynamic therapy and make testing in a way that a neurologist never gets the chance to. In my selfish dream world, an ideal research team should at least include a fearless neurotic epileptic, a skilled neurologist and an experienced psychologic therapist.

Experiments and epileptic literature.

Since circumstances allowed, I decided completely to remove all medical assistance and within a couple of months I had settled my Lamictal (200 mg) intake, and I was feeling good and to modernize my physical training, I bought a vibrating machine. It was a different and pleasant feeling to stand on it with various movements and allow the body to be thoroughly vibrated. The explicit recommendations from the manufacturer were not to use the vibrator more than 10 minutes at a time and only do so every other day. The manufacturer clearly discouraged epileptics from using it, which I interpreted as a challenge in my case. When I had used the vibrator three consecutive days for approximately 60 minutes per session, I woke up one night after having had a grand mal seizure. I had been too exhausted to react and go through a birth primal which resulted in an epileptic seizure because I recently had dropped the medication. After consultation with a neurologist, I got a low dose of Keppra, continued with a more limited use of the vibrator and could handle my birth primals and many layers and filters of neuroses were dissolved.

Just after I bought the vibrator, I bought online from the USA a book about epilepsy: “Epilepsy: a New Approach”. An updated edition from 1995, originally published 1990. The book is written by Adrienne Richard, and she has had the support of medical and neurological expertise by Dr. Robert Efron. Adrienne Richard, who like myself had developed epilepsy at age 20 has deep insights from many aspects of epilepsy, and she developed during a couple of decades, a biofeedback technique to disconnect the epileptic discharges and were apparently so successful with her self-care that she stayed free of seizures and has  helped many others to do, likewise.

I've tried a couple of her advice. The first was to revise my diet and my vitamin and mineral intake. This I have always been aware of but never had the opportunity to compare with someone with epileptic experience. The second advice is to create a mental imagination that can change the chemical process of the brain's neurons and slow down an attack that threatens. An example: A potential attack preceded by an aura, which is about music could be stopped by mentally going on a fishing trip. In other words, to use imagination to abort a seizure.

It is a pleasure to read the book. It is very well written and has the backing of a neurological expert. It covers many aspects of epilepsy but lacks insight and awareness of the fact that there are additional steps for many (not all) epileptics: To feel the pain, the cause of the epilepsy. A  feeling psychodynamic therapy (such as Primal Therapy) as a natural follow-up and complementary treatment of her biofeedback and nutrition recommendations could be a potential way to create a different and better life for many epileptics.

During a few weeks, I revised my vitamin and mineral intake according to that recommended by Adrienne Richards, and I continued with birth feelings and had insights into many aspects of what has developed my life into a neurotic acting out. Adrienne Richard’s advice to be aware of what kind of an aura that triggers or precedes a seizure or a hallucination has been spinning in my head for some time. That led to that one day  I could feel how I, in the middle of a dominant attitude, suddenly had doubts and was confused. My dominating approach was a defense manipulation, and I was not honest with myself, and I used learned arguments to avoid a discussion and give a strong impression which had nothing with to do with the real situation. I tried to suppress my anxiety and confusion. This feeling is very close to my birth trauma that was a lengthy process of confused terror and physical abuse during hours. Really, to feel this pain and resolve it requires more than biofeedback.

Each patient carries his own doctor inside him. They come to us not knowing that truth. We are at our best when we give the doctor who resides within each patient a chance to go to work.  Albert Schweizer